Resolution and Commitment

In meditation I have to review the year just passed. Humans are different than animals not just because they can assume an erect posture but because they have a consciousness that can reflect in the past. If you spend the year repeating one unvarying day after the next, do you really need to reflect on it very much? In fact, you need to examine it even more carefully. This night it demands it of me. In retrospect, I made a lot of mistakes. I didn't make any resolution and wasn't committed enough. I didn't have the motivation and I wanted to avoid the frustration of not meeting my goals.

I started this morning and meditated in a small Hermitage, working on my holy question. Although my zen practice did not progress at all, my body changed quite a bit since last year. I lost a tooth and I have more wrinkles on my forehead and deeper valleys between them. I have less hair with less color and gloss, too.

At the end of the day when you're obliged to repay your debts, I'm unable to do so. Thanks to the immeasurable mercy of my teachers I was able to stay in the zen meditation hall. Thanks to the offering given to me here, I'm able to sustain my body. But I still haven't attained Enlightenment. How can I repay the kindness given me! I shudder in bitter regret.

My zen master reminded me to put the past behind us and have the courage to tear off the last page of the calendar and put up a new one.

Humans can't live in the past

Humans can't live in the past. We can put down yesterday's burdens in order to live for tomorrow. While my question demands that I change quickly, it pulls me into a deep slumber instead.